Monday, May 3, 2010

"The Tour, loneliness, and leaving partners behind"

When people hear that we're on a 6-month (or more) tour, between exasperated breaths they often ask, "Do any of you have families back home?"

Each of us is coming to this experience in different circumstances. Edwin left his amazing new wife, Lisbeth, back in Miami. She came with us last year on our 2-month summer tour to help with merch … and to keep Edwin calm & relaxed … ha, yeah right!!! … that's a joke … Edwin is consistently the calmest, most relaxed human being any of us have ever known. Recently, Lisbeth was in a minor car accident back home that sent her to the hospital as a precaution, and there wasn't much Edwin could do about it. She was OK, but it's moments like those that twist the stomach in knots - even mine for him - and really underscore the sacrifices we are all making to do what we're doing.

Alex probably has the toughest experience in leaving behind his wife of 11 years with their 3 gorgeous young daughters. This tour he's doing much better than last summer, when we took no breaks for over 2 months straight. Now we break every 4-6 weeks for about 10 days, so the guys can go back to Miami or wherever, and that's made a huge difference. It's still sometimes tough for Alex, I can see. But he inspires me being completely committed to what he started almost 12 years ago, that he's willing to go through this family challenge with faith - even in the midst of tremendous uncertainty - believing in his dream.

Then there's Jaime, who's been doing an interesting dance with his longtime girlfriend, Val, who stayed in Miami ... while Kaz and Ash began this tour essentially unattached.

As for me, this tour has been therapy, since I recently let go of a passionately chaotic 4-year relationship that felt like it was either going to turn me into an enlightened master … or kill me. I've joked with the guys that we should have called this "Bryan's Therapy Tour"; and that I brought them on this experience simply to entertain me while I travel around the country healing through my own recent growing pains disguised as heart-break.

This is a magical tour with magical human beings and an uncertain destination. Just what the doctor could order for a heart growing through opening pains.

At times, it is emotionally challenging for me. I haven't been back to Miami since the tour began over 3 months ago. I'm 35 and have moved to a new city every 4 years or so since I was 17, completely starting over each time. I've traveled throughout the USA, Canada, Europe, Asia, Australia; I lived in France and once set foot on 4 different continents in less than 10 days. Because of my relationship challenges, although we stayed together I separated from my girlfriend and moved in with my parents over a year ago, and so I have spent most of my 35th year without my own home. I've lived in either my parent's guest room or in the back seat of the HERE II HERE Tour Truck since May 2009.

There are still moments in the midst of this tour when the heaven-or-hell relationship I'm still healing from stirs deep inside my chest, poking uncomfortably at my aortic walls. Choosing to walk away from that passionate relationship is one of the most difficult things I've ever done in this lifetime.

In the midst of this emotional rollercoaster, Life has asked me to manage the HERE II HERE magic experience.

Be aware that everyone is going through something. No matter how much it looks like they have their shit together, everyone is growing through something, and it might make them a pain in your ass for a moment (or forever). But don't be so hard on them.

I just do my best to offer this body, mind, and heart in service of the moment; in service of this music experience that profoundly shifts people's lives ... even when I'm feeling lonely or a little grumpy. Times like that, I just try to keep my mouth shut.

I'm learning … unfolding … becoming … growing … certainly healing. Or at least I'm securely trapped in the story that that is what's happening. Like most everyone else.

When I do feel that empty loneliness begin chipping away at my chest, trying to carve out a drafty little hollow, I just do my best to breathe. Relax. Enjoy the scenery and countless blessings all around me. And reaffirm my trust in Life to show the way.


  1. Amazing - thank you so much for sharing. We are all ONE. I love you.

  2. That was beautiful Bryan. Thank you for the reminder. <3

    May we all heal together.

  3. What a precious human being you are, Bryan, I love you so much! It is humbling to know more fully the sacrifices you all are making to love the world and all of us in it. I fell your love every day and it could not be more pure sweet and refreshing- not Coca Cola, but the REAL THING! Thank you for refreshing me with honesty, humility and faith today. I am so glad to know that all of you have the same human beingness as all of us and so blessed to be here now loving you as me as you, humans being! Glory be! Love to you ALL, Trish PS Bryan, You are an amazing writer!

  4. Thank you so much for your kind words, beloveds. I see you. Bryan

  5. You never know where you need to be willing to go to end up where you are supposed to be.

    I had already given HereIIHere a shout-out in my blog under "favorite music". Hope you can hit Asheville on your way back. Relax and enjoy! and of course, remember to breathe! always to breathe! oh, and keep writing! be.

  6. Thank you for write from your heart
    I see YOU!

  7. I so enjoy your Blog! Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit! Blessings!

  8. Beautiful heartfelt writing.
    Thank you.