"It's often scary to let you truly know me. ... Same for you?"

This blog is an ongoing discovery into how authentic I'm truly ready to be with you. Or not ready.

What am I truly willing to confess publicly ... forever?

I’m certainly discovering there is no such thing as an “objective truth” to share, anyway.

For all my experiences, there are seemingly infinite filters through which I can talk about any of them. I can talk from perspectives of lack or abundance. I can stand on one side and say, ‘look how beautiful this experience was!!!” ... or I can stand on a different side of the same experience and say, “damn, look at what was missing from that moment.”

[There is no "Objective Reality"]

I can tell the story of how fortunate I am to be completely supported on my journey, eating well enough, a clean roof over my head, a bed with 3 pillows, a car to move about in, plenty of fulfilling activities to participate in ... and let that be that. Or I can speak from the perspective that laments arriving in LA with no income during an era of $5/gallon gas, and how one has to make tough choices to survive.

I can marvel about all the visionary, successful, trail-blazing people I’ve been fortunate to meet, work with and even spend quality time with just in the past few months - Don Miguel Ruiz, Mastin Kipp (The Daily Love), Marianne Williamson, Mikki Willis (Elevate Films), Kyle Cease, Brandi Veil (Grateful Fridays), Alexandra Choi, Louie Anderson, Suzanne Whang, Fabian Alsultany, Jacqueline Fuentes, Ash Ruiz, Guruganesha, Tina Malia, Deva Premal, and so many many more ... and just stay in complete wonderment and gratitude at my tremendous fortune (I drop these names so you can really see just how damn fortunate I actually am).

Or I can step into a pitfall of lack and bemoan how I’m interacting on the level with all these successful, creative, world-renowned people and yet ironically still clueless as to how I’m going to make a sustainable living in Los Angeles.

I can regal you with stories of wondrous serendipity and effortless creating, or I can haunt you with fears of impending failure and insolvency.

... and every possible perspective in between.

Each of my tales would be true from their own certain, limited perspective ... and therefore each would be not true, from larger, more-expansive perspectives.

So what do I choose to tell? Do I share only the stories that I feel most good about telling, when I’m seeing from the most enlightened perspectives?

But that would only be part of the story. Can I ever even dream to share an entire story inclusive of every possible perspective, anyway?? Impossible.

One of my favorite wisdom teachers, Abraham-Hicks, reminds me everyday (I get her brilliant daily quote emails) that the stories I tell are the basis of my life, and that simply telling many feel-good stories throughout the day will literally change the details of my life.

I get that intellectually, and I've even experienced it ... but I’ve also watched brilliant, “spiritual” people tell big beautiful stories and live in financial poverty, essentially unable to pay phone bills or sometimes even buy food. They seem to feel good and live with free minds, yet experience long periods during which they can’t completely take care of their own needs.

As I write this, I’m aware I may be letting you down ... or perhaps worse, because I really want to look good in your eyes, letting you see a side of me I don’t want you to know exists. That I doubt. That I sometimes fear the worst. That I’m not always optimistic. That I sometimes lose sight of every inspiring belief ever to cross my mind as evidence that everything's ok right now and certainly going to turn out ok tomorrow ... or even worse, that I sometimes simply indulge in the fear that every inspiring idea I've ever believed is simply WRONG, and that there may be absolutely no actual grounded truth to stand upon that would protect me from destruction in the next moment.

If you know I have these thoughts, might I just be hastening the arrival of my deepest fears? That you won’t work with me, hire me, befriend me, trust me, follow me, read me, believe me, accept me ... that you won’t ... LOVE ME???

I don’t know. I guess all that’s possible.

It’s also possible that by staring into the darkness of my humanity, and confessing to you that it's present in the room with me, then just maybe I can disable its power over me. Just maybe I can lessen its grip on my thoughts and my mouth, on my fingers typing out this blog.

I don’t know.

That’s the point. I don’t know. I’m living an extraordinary life, as far as stories go. There are days when it’s tough to tell that big story, even to myself, never mind saying it to you ... some days it’s simply far too easy to watch my bank account go down (damn that parking ticket today!) and fret that I can’t possibly predict when things will turn around.

TRANSFORMATIONAL CROSS-ROADS??

Fascinating ... instinctively, I believe I’m in the midst of one of the most transformative moments in my life. At an incredible cross-roads where in every direction I just see uncertain possibility. I've visited such cross-roads before. I usually enjoy them immensely. Brimming with unfathomable possibility as they always are.

But this one feels different. This one feels like it's happening at the deepest levels where my shadow keeps close the beliefs and thoughts that conspire to sabotage me.

There are moments when I experience this as almost terrifying ... because in my head I see the need to soon abandon the thrilling "path less-chosen" - which I chose 12 years ago - and return to an exhausting life of quiet desperation doing work that strangles my soul.

But terrifying is just the other side of exhilarating.

I've certainly learned by now that I'm always at choice. If I'm living in quiet desperation, it's because I've chosen it. I can always choose differently.

While this all plays out, the truth is I am remarkably blessed to be where I am at this moment. With a roof over my head. A computer to type this on. Yummy frozen grapes to plop in my mouth. A cozy bed to go lay upon just moments from now. A world-class music video to complete. Investors to pay for it. A phenomenal music album to finish. Delicious friends to call upon with an iPhone, and remarkable people to circulate among, be inspired by, and to serve.

I’ll conclude with a great Cherokee Legend about the battle raging inside each of us:

~~

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. 

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

"Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."